Giving Up's Not an Option, So Come On and Climb this Mountain with Me
I'm starting this journal to have a place to document my feelings about this journey I have set before me, to share prayer requests so that I can look back and see everywhere God was when I wasn't seeing Him clearly and to share all of the But God moments--everywhere I do see God--as I climb this mountain.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
- Psalm 73:26
A PERSONAL HISTORY
Thursday, August 24, 2023
I have had a history with cysts in my breasts for the past 12 years. My family doctor was monitoring them with ultrasounds every 6 months. When we moved to Alberta and finally got a new family doctor, I told him about my cystory 🤣 and booked an ultrasound. I received an ultrasound and a mammogram, both were apparently normal.
Tuesday, February 27, 2024
I had a follow-up ultrasound. The nodule in my left breast had grown and two lymph nodes on the left side were enlarged. Protocol was to have the nodule and a lymph node biopsied. I felt nervous about the biopsy procedure, but not about the possibility of cancer.
Tuesday, March 5, 2024
I had my biopsy and I was a nervous wreck about it. Luke and the kids were amazing supports for me. Luke kept reminding me how strong I was and the kids kept telling me stories about how it couldn't be worse than all of the times Lincoln got sick or hurt himself on our travels and Isla would remind me about how she dreaded her tooth extractions, but it didn't hurt and her reaction was, "That's it?" The kids didn't know what kind of test it was, they just knew that I was nervous about how painful it might be. I still wasn't thinking that I had cancer, I still thought they were just being cautious and I might have to have the cyst removed.
Friday, March 8, 2024
At 12:30pm, I received a phone call from my doctor's office, asking my permission to refer me to the Breast Health Centre in Calgary and booking a telephone call with my family doctor at 3:00pm that day. Worst two and a half hours of my life. At 3:08pm, my family doctor told me I had breast cancer.
We spent the weekend telling our family and some friends. It was pretty awful having to tell everyone over and over again, but it was also incredibly therapeutic. It felt like what I was holding onto and enduring in the darkness was being brought out into the light... I was overwhelmed by everyone who wanted to pray for us.
We told the kids too, which was hard. I felt like I was turning their lives upside down. Jenson was just as stoic as Luke, Isla and Lincoln cried with me. I wanted (and still do want) this year to be as normal as possible for them.
Thursday, March 21, 2024
Isla's 15th birthday... also the same day that I met my surgeon, Dr. John Graham, to have a quick exam, receive my pathology results and to learn about what steps are needed to move forward to get all the cancer out.
I was hoping for surgery, with the possibility of a therapy and/or radiation. That is not the path that my type of cancer requires... I required several months of chemotherapy first, then surgery, possibly radiation. I also needed a genetic blood test to determine what type of surgeries I might need, I needed a bone scan to determine if the cancer spread to my bones, I also needed a CT scan to see if the cancer had metastasized.
I was pretty devastated that weekend. I had accidentally learned some disheartening information about my type of cancer while looking through support groups, that it was deemed difficult to treat and that some women are just "thrivers" and not "conquerors," meaning that they can only manage their cancer, not cure it. I wasn't hopeful, I had a lot of anxiety and I started to think of the worst possible outcome. I spent the weekend thinking about how to make my death easier for Luke and the kids, mentally planning my funeral, having meltdowns in the middle of Walmart over needing to switch appointments, talking to Luke about all of my worries and even crying to our pastor and youth pastor and asking them to make sure my family doesn't get forgotten.
Tuesday, March 26, 2024
I met my oncologist, Dr. Nancy Nixon. She had a cancellation and I was able to get in to see her quickly. I was resolved to not shed a tear, I was tired of feeling sorry for myself.
I was informed that the best course of treatment for my type of cancer was weekly chemotherapy treatments for 12 weeks, then four more treatments every 3 weeks, with immunotherapy every 3 weeks for the entire duration. 24 weeks of chemotherapy.
I cried. I cried over the weekly treatments for 12 weeks... It was a lot. Especially since I had started to cling to having bi-weekly treatments with many good days in between. Weekly treatments meant, maybe a few good days a week. 24 weeks of chemotherapy also meant my entire summer was gone.
Wednesday, March 27, 2024
I had my first of sixteen bloodwork drawn.
Monday, April 1, 2024
I had my genetic testing bloodwork drawn.
Wednesday, April 3, 2024
I had my bone scan. I got the results the next day, which were negative for osseous metastasis! Praise the Lord!
Friday, April 5, 2024
I had my first treatment of immunotherapy and chemotherapy. I felt strong, stubborn, hopeful and faithful going into treatment... but the reality hit me hard once I was in the chair. My lovely nurse, Janine, took the time to sit with me, talk me through everything that was going to happen and just let me cry.
I was in the chair for almost three hours. Immunotherapy, steroids, first chemo drug, second chemo drug. I had no allergic reactions or infusion reactions. Praise the Lord!